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Panel Discussion
Bill:
Oh, hi.
Glad you could make it.
I've always believed, you know, in the concept of starting the weekend on Thursday, and here at the Playboy mansion,
of course, the party really never ends.
I have a party girl with me here tonight.
Jeff Bridges didn't make it home last night.
I have Bijou Phillips right here, because when I go to a party, you know, my mother always told me to bring a dish.
Come with me, darling.
You know, Bijou --
I happen to know that you -- you, your bad self, once posed for "Playboy," because I was looking through
my back issues the other night and I came across your picture.
Bijou:
You mean the month before last?
Bill:
Yeah, exactly.
Bijou, did you know that the mansion grounds here are almost as big as a golf course, except here, the divots are
caused by people kneeling.
Bijou:
That's disgusting.
Bill:
The mansion is a lot homier than you might think, young lady.
You know, I was in one of the guest houses before, and they had a lovely needlepoint on the wall that said, "Bless
this orgy."
Come here.
Oh, my God, Adam Carolla.
I love him.
Adam:
Bill, what are you doing here?
Bill:
Look at --
oh, I am so glad you're here.
We can't figure out how to turn on the Jacuzzi.
[ Laughter ]
Bijou Phillips.
Oh, my God, Scott -- ooh, sorry.
Scott Weiland is here, Amy Alkon.
This is really good.
Are you all having a drink?
Adam:
Yes, we're --
Amy:
We're soused.
Bill:
I believe in that.
Okay.
I'm so glad to see you, we talked the other night, and you said that one of your girlfriends was in Las Vegas studying,
she had an exam.
Hugh:
That's right.
Bill:
It's so tough when the kids have homework.
Hugh:
I know.
[ Laughter ]
But they bring it home.
Bill:
And the other one was in Hawaii.
She got a job on "Baywatch."
I think somebody has a little empty nest syndrome.
[ Laughter ]
Hugh:
Could be a problem.
Bill:
It's so tough when they fly away.
Hugh:
I know it.
Bill:
Are you lonely?
Hugh:
On occasion.
Adam:
Hef, I'm sleeping over, so your problems are solved.
[ Laughter ]
Hugh:
I'm so thrilled, I can't begin to tell you.
Adam:
You know what, God bless him.
I've toured the mansion a little, and in every room is a jumbo pack of Kleenex, which says --
[ Laughter ]
Which says he's open for business.
Bill:
Yes.
Adam:
There's Scotchgard on the pillows and there's Kleenex on the shelf.
Hugh:
Yes.
Bill:
Yeah.
You know he does a show called "The Man Show."
Hugh:
Oh, yes, I know very well.
We've done a story on him.
Bill:
All right.
Well, I got a "Playboy Adviser" question for you, that maybe you all can chime in on here.
If a guy flies a girl in for a date, is she obligated to sleep with him?
Amy:
No.
Bijou:
No.
Bill:
No?
Bijou:
No, I mean, it's --
you know, if she's obligated to sleep with him --
Bill:
Flies in on a plane.
No?
Bijou:
If she got a ring on her finger, that, yeah, you have no choice, it's law.
You have to sleep with him.
But if not, I mean --
she probably will.
But she doesn't have to.
Adam:
Bill, you --
Carmen:
Don't even go.
Bijou:
-- Obligated.
Bill:
Carmen Electra's here, great!
Wow!
Carmen:
If some guy wants to fly you somewhere, you know what their intentions are.
Bijou:
Exactly.
Carmen:
Why even go?
Why even go?
Bijou:
Yeah, you shouldn't do that.
You should be able to do what you want.
Bill:
We're talking about a plane here.
Yeah.
Amy:
But you know what?
If I fly a guy in, damn it, he better put out.
[ Laughter ]
Adam:
Anyone you fly in, you have sex with.
Maybe -- maybe this is the booze talking, but I flew my grandmother in from Wisconsin.
[ Laughter ]
God bless her, she's 85 years old, but she put out right there.
We got it over with and we went to Magic Mountain.
Hugh:
Very good.
Amy:
I think there should be sort of like, you know, frequent flyer plan.
Bill:
Isn't it kind of like the girl that went up to the hotel room with Mike Tyson?
You know, it's like --
aren't there certain things that you do as a woman, where you're sort of saying, "Okay, we're going to have
sex."
And this doesn't apply to you, because, of course --
[ Laughter ]
You have a lot of sex.
Scott:
I think it's really kind of disgraceful that men should make an assumption that because they fork over a little
bit of money, that a woman should put out.
However, I do have to say this --
you know, with that, what if it's like flying someone for a half an hour flight to, like, the Bakersfield local
airport?
Or is it only if it's like a five-hour flight from New York City?
Adam:
It's still sex.
If I --
I flew a woman one time --
Scott:
Or maybe the Bakersfield flight would just be a hand job.
Adam:
True story.
[ Laughter ]
I flew her from L.A.X. to Burbank and got nailed.
[ Laughter ]
Hugh:
On the plane, right?
Bill:
Amtrak.
Let's get serious.
No, no.
But, you know, that's easy for you to say.
You're a rock star.
You have chicks --
Scott:
If I'm doing a show in Chicago and I fly my wife in, I'm kind of hoping that something happens.
[ Laughter ]
Bijou:
It's your wife, and you have to -- you know, it's a given.
It's a given.
Amy:
Well, you know, after the first two years, it kind of cools down a little.
Bijou:
Yeah.
I mean, I've flown guys in.
Guys never fly me anywhere.
But I've flown guys in and gotten laid, but just to get laid purely.
Like, that's the only reason I'd fly them in.
Hugh:
Well, it's nice --
Bill:
Talk to daddy, honey.
Daddy has a plan for you.
Anyway --
[ Laughter ]
Hugh:
It's nice of you to work those things out beforehand.
Scott:
Yeah, I agree with what you're saying.
Hugh:
A little communication.
Bill:
That's --
Bijou:
Yeah, exactly.
Bill:
Oh, come on.
You're not gonna say to somebody --
Bijou:
If you've never slept with someone, you fly them in, you expect sex?
No!
Bill:
How can you --
there's no way to broach that conversation, in an out-and-out way, and say, you know, "You're coming, you're
flying --"
Bijou:
They didn't have to [ bleep ] to get the plane ticket.
Bill:
-- And you're coming."
Bijou:
Why should they [ bleep ] afterwards?
[ Laughter ]
Amy:
It's reasonable.
Scott:
And if that is the assumption, that if you spend money on a plane ticket to fly a woman in, that you think you're
gonna have some, then --
Bill:
It's not the money.
Scott:
And then what if the woman says, "You know what, I'm not gonna sleep with you."
Bijou:
Well, then, what is it?
Bill:
It's the effort, it's the effort.
You're going across the continent for a date, and that implies that there's gonna be a little more than just dinner
and a movie.
Scott:
Well, then it should be discussed more --
Bijou:
Then it should be discussed.
That needs to be discussed.
Bill:
That's such a politically correct bunch of [ bleep ], "it should be discussed."
People don't discuss sex beforehand, they just do it.
If you discuss it beforehand, it ruins it.
Bijou:
That's true.
That's true.
Bill:
Thank you, Bijou.
Bijou:
That's completely true.
Bill:
You made daddy very proud.
[ Laughter ]
Adam:
What about when you're --
Hugh:
He's set for the night.
Adam:
When you're with a prostitute, I mean, you have to have the discussion beforehand.
[ Laughter ]
You know what I mean?
You gotta decide whether you're getting it --
Bijou:
"It's only $1,000.
If you want me to stay the night, it's $3,000."
Bill:
Adam --
Adam:
Sorry.
I know you have delicate sensibilities.
Bill:
I mean, I don't go to prostitutes, do you?
Adam:They're
too prissy.
Adam:
None of yours.
[ Laughter ]
Amy:
People are too prissy about sex.
Adam:
I thought that's what you meant!
Amy:
You know, if I stayed --
Bill:
Did you hear what he said?
Amy:
If I'm in a guy's apartment for a whole weekend, a hot, sexy, single guy, I'm incapable of not having sex with
him.
It's just -- you know, I don't know how people do that.
What is it, like "The Waltons," you'd go to bed like, "'night, John Boy," in your nightgown.
"'Night, Mary Sue."
Bijou:
Have you even been turned down?
Amy:
Have I ever been turned down?
Bijou:
I've been turned down.
Bill:
Yeah, for one thing, when you fly somebody in, aren't you also, sort of by law, staying in the same room?
Amy:
Right.
Bill:
Yeah.
Amy:
You know, unless they have an 18-room mansion --
Hugh:
The invitation is there.
Amy:
You know.
Hugh:
Yeah.
Amy:
Yeah, it just --
I mean, I think people are too prissy about it.
What's the big deal about having sex with somebody?
People have like a sex clock.
Bill:
Yeah.
Bijou:
Okay, but if a guy flies you in, and you go in there and you don't sleep with him, you shouldn't feel bad, 'cause,
like --
Bill:
Yes, you should.
[ Laughter ]
You shouldn't have done it.
Amy:
From the other point of view, I mean, if I fly somebody in -- if I pay $1,000 to fly you in, you're gonna do it
with me.
I want you to put out!
Adam:
I get the feeling you'd walk to him --
[ All talking at once ]
Bill:
Wait a second.
Amy:
It depends, Adam, okay.
Bill:
Jeff Bridges is drunk on the lawn.
[ Laughter ]
And he's not mic'ed up and he's trying to say something.
What are you saying, Jeff?
I'll translate.
Jeff:
The woman should expect it.
The guy shouldn't.
Bill:
The woman should expect it, the guy shouldn't.
Amy:
Well, wait a second.
Jeff:
What do you think?
Bill:
The woman should always expect it.
When have men ever turned sex down?
That's not an apt analogy.
Amy:
Why is the woman getting flown in by the guy?
I mean, this is 2000.
Pay for yourself.
Bijou:
I fly guys in.
I fly guys in.
Amy:
You know, why are women --
Bill:
Why are you flying guys in?
Amy:
Yeah, right.
Bijou:
Because they're poor college guys that live on the other side of the country.
Bill:
Why are you doing it with poor college guys?
When there are middle-aged talk show hosts --
[ Laughter ]
I have to take a break.
Adam:
They'll fly you anywhere.
It's like the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
---
Bijou:I
was out last night, as luck would have it.
I don't go out much, you know, because I'm busy saving America.
[ Laughter ]
But sometimes I go out, and --
that's right.
The last four girls I went out with fell asleep listening to "The Warren Report."
---
Bill:
All right.
So I didn't get very far with that question about -- flying in, because apparently people haven't had enough to
drink.
Bijou:
If you fly a gay guy in --
Bill:
But --
okay.
Bijou:
Can you expect sex?
Bill:
Shh.
Adam:
Hey, shut up!
Hef will toss your scrawny asses right outta here.
Hugh:
Exactly.
Adam:
More room in the grotto, right, Hef?
Hugh:
Yeah.
Bill:
Yeah.
By the way, Antonio Banderas left a ring around that thing last night --
All:
Eww.
Catherine:
Every bathroom I go in, I'm like, "Ooh --"
Bill:
Oh, look.
Catherine McCord is here.
Catherine:
Hi, Bill.
Bill:
Fantastic.
Just what we need, another gorgeous blonde at this party.
Catherine:
It's a love sandwich.
Bill:
Yeah, I guess so.
Adam:
I'm the mayo.
[ Laughter ]
Bill:
Well, good, I'm glad you're here.
You can answer that.
You can answer this with the college kids --
Catherine:
Oh, yeah.
I like how she's booty-calling college boys.
Bill:
Yeah.
Bijou:
It was a long time ago as well.
It was not recent.
Bill:
There is no long time ago in your life.
[ Laughter ]
Bijou:
It was like a year ago --
Bill:
A long time ago was the '40s.
Bijou:
-- Year and a half ago.
Adam:
Just because you fly in the Phi Cappa Delta house for sex one weekend, you're labeled a slut.
I don't believe in that, Bijou.
Bijou:
No, I took his virginity.
I felt bad.
I missed him, I brought him in.
Catherine:
It's okay.
It's okay.
We're here for you.
Scott:
She felt it was her responsibility to --
Bijou:
Exactly, he called me.
Scott:
-- Lend a little bit of cosmopolitan influence to the suburban boys.
Bill:
Is that Mandy?
Hugh:
It is Mandy.
Bill:
Oh, it's Mandy, hey.
I never know.
Oh, and --
Hugh:
Jessica.
Bill:
Jessica.
[ Laughter ]
I could never keep up with this guy.
It's like --
Hugh:
Jessica is the one who doesn't rhyme.
Bill:
Great.
Mandy, Brandy and Sandy.
If there's a girl named Candy, run for your life.
[ Laughter ]
So you're the one who's not in Las Vegas?
Jessica:
Correct.
Bill:
Okay.
Bijou:
No, wait --
which ones are the -- you have a twin sister?
Jessica:
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I have a twin sister.
Bijou:
Okay.
Now, what -- and then there's one that looks like a twin sister but isn't.
Jessica:
Yeah, that's her, my best friend.
Bijou:
Okay.
Adam:
What's your mom doing?
[ Laughter ]
How bad could she be, Bill?
Seriously.
Bill:
You're rubbernecking all of the empties, aren't you?
That's so you.
Anyway, let me ask this of the girls.
Bijou:
Okay.
Catherine:
Yes, sir.
Bill:
Don't you all have a little VIP list?
In other words, you make guys go through a certain set of motions before they get in your pants.
But there's a VIP list who go right through that velvet rope.
Bijou:
No, it's just the opposite.
Bill:
Oh, come on.
Bijou:
It's the opposite.
Bill:
Scott?
Catherine:
It's the ones that you feel sorry for.
Bill:
You've been on that VIP list.
Adam:
Yeah.
Scott:
What's the question, though?
[ Laughter ]
Catherine:
It's the ones who you feel sorry for that go first, I'd say.
Bijou:
Yeah, it's the ones, like, the pathetic ones.
Catherine:
You take pity on.
The VIP ones, the perfect ones, it's too easy, it's too obvious.
Bijou:
Yeah, you make 'em wait, you make 'em --
Adam:
This may not be the right time to bring this up, but I have brain cancer.
[ Laughter ]
I don't want to bring the show down, Bill, but the doctor said I have one month.
[ All talking at once ]
Hugh:
And will not get through the night, right?
Bill:
No.
I'm saying that girls who live by a certain set of rules --
except Sean Connery, except Hugh Hefner, except --
Catherine:
It's like their dream guy.
It's like the guy they idealize --
like --
Bill:
Okay.
Catherine:
Who's your perfect guy?
Bijou:
Yeah.
Bill:
Okay, so there's --
Catherine:
Brad Pitt.
Bill:
Brad Pitt?
Catherine:
Brad Pitt's gonna get laid before --
Bill:
Not just before --
Bijou:
Before Adam.
Bill:
Not having to work at it at all.
I'm saying, the VIP list.
Adam:
-- Probably get laid while I'm getting laid.
Bill:
Let's get real.
Bijou, there's nobody --
Bijou:
Brad or Adam --
Catherine:
Double duty.
Bijou:
I don't know.
Bill:
Adam's had a tough enough night.
Bijou:
Definitely Adam.
Bill:
There's nobody on your VIP list, Bijou?
Bijou:
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
Bill:
I explained it ten times.
You don't want to hear it.
[ Laughter ]
Catherine:
No, no, no.
I mean, every girl has, like, a wish list, per se.
Bijou:
Okay, Michael Jackson like --
Bill:
Michael Jackson?
Catherine:
Michael Jackson?
Bijou:
20 years ago.
20 years ago!
Bill:
You're better off with the college boys, let me tell you.
[ Laughter ]
Michael Jackson!
Bijou:
Yeah, Michael Jackson, like "Off the Wall" days.
When he was like hot and --
Bill:
Okay, but we don't have a time machine.
We're talking about now.
Adam:
Yeah, I'd like to get Catherine the Great.
[ Laughter ]
Where's Mr. Wizard?
Bill:
Oh, good, Jeff Bridges.
[ Laughter ]
Catherine:
Jeff, who's on your wish list?
Jeff:
There is terrible baggage to that VIP list.
The people on that VIP list have terrible baggage.
Bijou:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Don't you think?
Bijou:
They're dirty.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Bijou:
They're dirty.
And you know, like, all of their --
Jeff:
Calloused.
Huh?
Bijou:
Yeah, and it's like, your friend's like, "Yes, that was like a month ago," and they're like, "Oh,
yeah, I gave him [ bleep ] in the back of a --"
Catherine:
But every girl's wish list is different.
Bijou:
Then you like, meet him, and you're like, "Uh, you know --"
Catherine:
Every girl's wish list is different.
Bill:
Okay, every girl's wish list is different, but they all have a VIP list.
Bijou:
When I was 6, I was in love with Benny Hill.
Bill:
When you were 6, you shouldn't have been having sex.
I've said that time and time again.
And I stick by that.
Catherine:
I'm sure there is a certain level of guy that you'll be like, "Oh, I'd do it with him."
Or you might feel that way.
If that's a VIP list, then fine.
Bill:
Can we keep it real here?
Yes, exactly.
Catherine:
Yes, there is.
I mean, I don't think anybody --
Hugh:
You're talking about a fast lane, actually.
Bill:
But what's it called exactly?
I'm saying --
Scott:
What's the qualifications for the VIP list?
'Cause I heard that that little cat, the Mini-Me cat, gets a lot of --
Bijou:
He does get a lot.
[ Laughter ]
He does get a lot.
I've heard that.
Scott:
And he's not exactly Humphrey Bogart.
Bijou:
You know about that.
Adam:
He does this move where he jumps up and gets stuck.
It's wild.
Bijou:
No, the girls apparently --
I have a friend who's friends with him --
Scott:
Different qualifications.
Bijou:
The girls hold him, and like, make him --
like, they hold him and make him [ bleep ] them.
[ Laughter ]
They hold him.
Catherine:
I don't know how many times you've said that tonight.
Bill:
A stupid question, if this guy is really getting laid at all, I mean, for us, isn't that really bad?
Adam:
Yeah.
Bill:
That's just a bad thing for us.
Adam:
Listen, he should be used as a swab for a pap smear.
[ Laughter ]
What?
She said the "F" word, come on!
Bill:
I gotta say the "C" word.
We'll be right back.
---
Announcer
Join us tomorrow, as the party continues with Bill's guests --
Hugh Hefner, male gigolo Rob Schneider.
From the Mamas and Papas, Michelle Phillips, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer's" Nicholas Brendon, and "Playboy's"
own sex columnist, Susannah Breslin.
---
Bill:
Okay --
hey, what happened to Jeff Bridges?
He left?
I guess.
I guess he couldn't take it.
All right.
Well, you know, I never get to talk to you for a long period of time.
The only way I can get you to sit still is when there's a camera on.
Because, you know, when you talk to Hef -- he's the greatest guy in the world, but he's always with his girlfriend,
and then he gets distracted.
And so conversations last a very short amount of time.
So I'm gonna take advantage of this and ask you some things I've always wanted to ask you.
Hugh:
Okay.
Bill:
Do you masturbate?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Hugh:
Yes.
Sure.
Oh, yeah.
Bill:
You do?
Scott:
With an audience of beautiful women --
Bijou:
I heard that you're the biggest buyer of Viagra.
Hugh:
Yes, absolutely.
Bijou:
My friend works there, and she says that they send cases.
Catherine:
That's good.
Adam:
She's going to have you killed now, Bijou.
Hugh:
No --
Bijou:
No, it's a good thing.
I have friends who take it for fun.
Catherine:
She's got tallies on every celebrity in Hollywood who's doing that.
Bijou:
I'm like, "Oh, really?
Thank you."
Bill:
Well, you talk about it like it's a recreational drug.
Hugh:
I think it is more than what Pfizer suggests.
Scott:
Well, if they had a pill for premature ejaculation, Adam would probably take one, 'cause he talks about it --
[ Laughter ]
He talks about it on the air all the time.
Adam:
When did this turn into a [ bleep ] roast?
[ Laughter ]
What, you sell a couple million records and you can say that?
Bill:
Well, Jack Carter is up next, Adam, and --
well, anyway --
Bijou:
You're not supposed to take more than one.
Do you take more than one a day?
Hugh:
No.
No.
Catherine:
It's not like a vitamin.
The one-a-day vitamin.
Bill:
But the difference with him is, he takes it at breakfast.
Which I think really says a lot about his lifestyle, that he would need it at lunchtime.
Hugh:
You never know, you know, what lies ahead at the beginning of the day.
Bill:
You never know what's gonna come up.
Adam:
But Hef, after just 60 years of nonstop banging, don't you get a pretty good idea of what the afternoon holds in
store?
You know what I mean?
Just figure you're getting laid.
Just count on it.
Hugh:
Life is an adventure, you never know.
Bill:
Yeah, for you.
That Verne Troyer midget guy, forget it.
I'm telling you, that's a bunch of bull.
They're not doing that.
Bijou:
No, I swear.
Bill:
Oh!
Bijou:
I swear.
Bill:
Don't tell me girls in this town are that sick and kinky.
Bijou:
I swear!
Scott:
He's been spotted with some of the most beautiful women around Hollywood.
Bill:
Spotted!
Amy:
You know what?
Bill:
Listen, he wasn't spotted having sex with them.
Adam:
I heard he had a 2 1/2-some the other day.
[ Laughter ]
Catherine:
Oh, my God, it's getting worse.
Amy:
It's a very effective height, let's just say that.
Let's leave it at that.
It's a very effective height.
Scott:
To give [ bleep ] to your kneecap.
[ Laughter ]
Bijou:
Get, like, the duct tape out and just wrap him up.
Catherine:
Oh, my God!
Adam:
I'll see you in hell, Bijou.
Bill:
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
So --
Bijou:
It's an effective height, I mean --
Bill:
So I asked you, when you did the one-on-one in '97, on my show, I asked you what a typical day was for you.
But at that time you were married.
Now things have changed a lot.
I try to keep up with the number of girlfriends you have.
The last I hear it's five.
Hugh:
No, no.
Wrong.
Four.
Bill:
Excuse me.
Oh, I wouldn't want to catch you cheating.
[ Laughter ]
Adam:
One died of dehydration.
[ Laughter ]
It's sad.
Hef doesn't like to talk about it.
I'm sorry to bring that up.
Scott:
There used to be a sign that said "Children Playing"
outside, now it's just like "Playmates Playing."
Hugh:
"Playmates at Play."
Bill:
Well, that was the old saying they went back to.
So I guess my question is, how could we be you?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, we can't.
All right, I gotta take another commercial.
We'll be back.
Catherine:
It's all right.
---
Bill:
All right.
Carmen Electra, you said morning sex is the best.
Explain yourself!
Carmen:
Early morning sex is the best.
There's nothing like waking up to a nice, big --
Bill:
Transvestite.
Carmen:
No.
No, no, no, no.
[ Laughter ]
Bill:
All right, tomorrow we have Hugh Hefner.
He's officially booked tomorrow, he can't leave.
Michelle Phillips, Nicholas Brendon and Susannah Breslin.
---
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Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher
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